The Daily Poo-phet: where you read about the latest ta-poos!

Do you sneak around your boss’s back when he’s not looking? Do you hide things from your friends? Take this quiz to find out how much of a sneak you are!

1. Your boss has just left for the day. Do you:
(a) continue on with work like a usual working day.
(b) put your feet up on the desk, take out the muncies and tune in to your favorite soap.
(c) finish your work quickly and sloppily, then log on to MSN to start chatting with your friends.

2. You go to a buffet lunch and eat until you can’t breathe. Before leaving, you see your all-time favorite cheesecake being put on the counter for next round’s buffet. Do you:
(a) look left and right, then stuff the cheesecake wrapped in tissue in your purse.
(b) grab the cake, go back to the buffet table as if you forgot something there, and gobble down the cake quickly.
(c) walk out of the restaurant wishing you could come back later for that delectable piece of cake.

3. We know you’re not a cheater. But you’re in the exam room taking an exam and the night before, there was that irresistable party you just HAD to go to, so you:
(a) try to complete the exam on your own and hope for the best. ‘Cuz you’re not a cheater. We know that.
(b) sneak a peek at your neighbor’s paper. It’s not really cheating, it’s just a little peek.
(c) turn around and grab your friend’s paper when the examiner is not looking, then give the paper back when the examiner turns around again.

See how much you scored:
1. (a) 1 (b) 3 (c) 2
2. (a) 3 (b) 2 (c) 1
3. (a) 1 (b) 2 (c) 3

You are:

Clean as a Mouse (3-5 points)
Have you ever done anything dishonest in your life? You should consider becoming a nun! Honestly honey, there are more to life than playing by the rules. Live it!!!

Ooh, Getting Sneaky, Are We? (6-7 points)
People think you’re nice and innocent…until they get to know the real you. You seem like a decent person to everyone but that’s just a front for the sneaky naughty you!

So Sneaky You Don’t Need Sneakers to Muffle Your Footstep Sounds (8-9 points)
My goodness, can you be anymore sneaky?? Or should that be rephrased to “unshamefully obvious”??? You are so good at doing things behind people’s backs you should consider becoming a crook!

Do you hate pooping at work? We know we do! The next time you have to poop at work, take some advice from this guide, which was sent to members of TDP team on one occasion:

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. You’re kicking back at your desk and you don’t feel your best. You’re grabbing for the staples and something brews below your navel. You’re talking to a client and it’s suddenly not so silent. Your secretary’s giving you head and your face turns red. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the 2006 Survival Guide For Taking A Dump At Work.

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. It is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car while speeding. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Joking or laughing only exacerbates the unease for both parties.

JAILBREAK (used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun-like pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what has just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can also help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, and then to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the restroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and locate SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way, you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants in the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can also be used to cover up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS . Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

SHOCK ABSORBERS
Definition: Toilet paper floating in the toilet bowl. Although intended for one purpose (minimizing splash contact), extensive field tests have shown it to kill two birds with one stone. Before you even sit down to grow the tail, take about four to five folded squares of toilet paper and lay it in the drop zone. This ensures both a quiet landing and no splash to follow. If you had diving judges present, they would definently give it a “10.”

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Do you find that lying adds color to your drab life? Do you consistently lie whenever the opportunity arises? Take this quiz to find out if you are a true and certified compulsive liar:

1. You’re quitting your current job for a better offer elsewhere. When your boss asks you why you’re resigning, you tell him:
(a) you got offered a better deal somewhere else.
(b) you’re not sure if this is the right industry for you and you’re off to “discover” yourself.
(c) you’re going abroad for further studies and you’re leaving in two months’ time so your boss can’t convince you to stay.

2. You’re in a happy relationship and you love your significant other very much. One day while you’re out partying with your friends, an attractive member of the opposite sex shows interest in you and asks if you’d like to “grab a drink” some time. You answer:
(a) “Sure, I’d love to!” Then proceed to tell your friends to shut it about your significant other.
(b) “I’d like that. I can always use another friend.”
(c) “I can’t. I’m already taken.”

3. A friend gives you a hideous shirt for your birthday. You say:
(a) “Thanks, pal! I love it!” Then, wear it once for him/her to see before burying it deep in the abyss of your closet.
(b) “This is fugly, man! Where did you pick it up, the Ugly Apparels Store?!”
(c) “Cool! I ♥ it!” and give it away to charity ASAP. When your friend asks why you never wear the shirt, you say regrettably, “I love that shirt; I wore it so often it got holes in it from too many washes so I had to chuck it.”

4. It’s Monday morning and you’re still hungover from last night’s party. You call in to work and tell them:
(a) “I’m not coming in today. MAJOR hangover from the fantastic party last night! Too bad you missed it!”
(b) “I’m not feeling too well this morning. I kept throwing up in the middle of the night…but if I feel better later on, I might come in.”
(c) “I don’t know what I have but I feel REALLY sick today. I think it’s a really bad case of the flu,” while pretending to cough and wheeze every now and then. Who knows, maybe you can extend your sick leave until Wednesday!

5. You have an appointment with your friends but you’d rather spend the day lying in bed. You call them up to say:
(a) “My grandfather just had a heart attack and I can’t go meet you today…” while sobbing miserably.
(b) “Hey, I don’t wanna go anymore today. I’m too lazy and my bed feels too nice.”
(c) “Hey, I’m really sorry but something urgent came up so it looks like I’m gonna have to take a rain check today. Really sorry.”

See how much you scored:
1. (a) 1 (b) 2 (c) 3
2. (a) 3 (b) 2 (c) 1
3. (a) 2 (b) 1 (c) 3
4. (a) 1 (b) 2 (c) 3
5. (a) 3 (b) 1 (c) 2

You are:

Professional Fibber (13-15 points)
You’re so good at lying you’d probably ace a lie-detector test! Your life is so full of fibss that sometimes it’s hard to keep your story straight. In fact, this quiz is probably the only time in your life that you answered something truthfully.

Smooth Talker (9-12 points)
You try not to lie if you can help it, but on the rare occasions that you do, it’s to help avoid awkward confrontations or save someone from an embarrassing situation. A little white lie never hurt anyone. Unless you’re a professional fibber who lied on the quiz to make yourself look better.

Painfully Honest (5-8 points)
You think honesty is the best policy but you don’t realize that the truth can sometimes hurt others. With an attitude like that, it’s a wonder you have any friends left! The next time you’re about to give someone a truthful but horrible answer, spare them some feelings and think, “Do I have to be so dreadfully honest??”