The Daily Poo-phet: where you read about the latest ta-poos!

Do you hate pooping at work? We know we do! The next time you have to poop at work, take some advice from this guide, which was sent to members of TDP team on one occasion:

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. You’re kicking back at your desk and you don’t feel your best. You’re grabbing for the staples and something brews below your navel. You’re talking to a client and it’s suddenly not so silent. Your secretary’s giving you head and your face turns red. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the 2006 Survival Guide For Taking A Dump At Work.

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. It is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car while speeding. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Joking or laughing only exacerbates the unease for both parties.

JAILBREAK (used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun-like pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what has just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can also help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, and then to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the restroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and locate SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way, you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants in the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can also be used to cover up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS . Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

SHOCK ABSORBERS
Definition: Toilet paper floating in the toilet bowl. Although intended for one purpose (minimizing splash contact), extensive field tests have shown it to kill two birds with one stone. Before you even sit down to grow the tail, take about four to five folded squares of toilet paper and lay it in the drop zone. This ensures both a quiet landing and no splash to follow. If you had diving judges present, they would definently give it a “10.”

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.